the bad stuff

One of my biggest beefs with the blog world is that everyone's life looks kinda fabulous because you only see the good stuff and then you looks around and wonder what you are doing wrong. I didn't know if I should blog about this or not but decided to because well, it's a part of our life and that's what this blog is. Our life. Even the bad stuff.

Two weeks ago today I found out I  miscarried. I had known I was pregnant since I was four weeks, and I was ten weeks at that point. It was heart breaking. I wouldn't wish that kind of sadness on anyone. It was surreal. I have typed and deleted about 10 different things here because, well, what do you say. It was awful in every way. I cried for about three days.

Then it got better. This is the part that I want to remember. We let a few close friends and family members know what had happened and just asked for prayers of healing and peace in our hearts. They did. I know they did, not because we happen to have the most awesome support group ever, but because I felt it. I felt peace washing over me. I thought more about how our baby was in heaven than how he or she wasn't here on earth with us. I started seeing blessings in how we had to find out this horrible news. I was suppose to go in for an ultrasound at 8 weeks but we ended up scheduling it closer to 10 weeks because of scheduling conflicts. If I would of gone in at 8 weeks then we would of been completely blindsided when they told us the baby had no heart beat (stopped growing at 6 weeks). I started bleeding over the holiday weekend, and when I called the doctor she told me I had a 50/50 chance of miscarrying and I could go to the ER if I wanted but there wasn't anything they could do for me so I could just wait for an apt Tuesday morning. At the time I thought this was cruel and agonizing to make a pregnant woman wait 2 days to know what was happening to her baby. But now I can see that I was given some time to prepare my heart for what I was afraid was happening. I can see God's timing in all of this know and am so thankful for how we found out such awful news.

So, there it is. We lost our baby. We are, of course, still very sad we won't meet our baby in this lifetime, but more peace every day about it. Luckily we have a feisty redhead that has been integral in our healing process and of course a very cute distraction when we need it.